Here is my wish list of headlines from Santa:
– “ Ampatuan Clan To Spend Christmas In A Small Room”
Ampatuan Sr., the head of the clan accused of mass murder, will be spending Christmas with his loved ones in a closely supervised location in Muntinlupa. “The quarters are tight but it will be an occasion to bond,” he said. “ Right now I would kill for a room upgrade.“
– “Political Dynasties Quit Politics”
In a meeting at an undisclosed bunker in Makati, the different family dynasties unanimously voted to resign from public office. “ One can no longer make an honest living from politics”, said the group’s spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous for fear of public reprisal. “ It is an unpopular move but sometimes one has to do what is right.” President Aquino lamented the announcement: “Their exit leaves a void which will be hard to fill.”
– “China Donates Scarborough to the Philippines”
Newly elected Chinese President Xi Jinping announced at the 18th Party Congress he was gifting Scarborough Shoals to the Philippines: “Christmas is the season of giving. We also never had much use for the piece of rock.” In appreciation, P-Noy gave Mr. and Mrs. Xi and family tickets to the next J.Lo concert.
– “Church Lobbies For Controversial RH Bill”
In a surprising turn of events, the CBCP is urging lawmakers to pass the RH Bill in time for Christmas. “It is unacceptable the bill should be held hostage by politicians. Who do they think they are, God? They will suffer the wrath of the Catholic vote come May.”
– “Tobacco And Liquor Companies Chastise Sen. Recto For Coddling To Smokers And Alcoholics”
Representatives of the tobacco and liquor industries picketed the office of Sen. Recto for his position on the Sin Tax Bill. With placards like “Vilma, if you only knew”, they said it was not what was agreed upon. The Senator was last seen hunkered down behind a phalanx of Vilmanians.
– “MVP Buys Ateneo, Converts It To A Call Center”
Manny Pangilinan announced he has bought Ateneo for an undisclosed sum. After publicly cutting his ties to his alma-mater, MVP, as he is lovingly called, decided the opportunity was just too good to miss. “Ateneo is a brand I can leverage,” he said. “With their education and accent, Ateneans make ideal call center agents.” The plan is to eventually merge the school with PLDT.
– “MILF Was Just Kidding About Bangsamoro”
The MILF announced it will no longer pursue its plans for Bangsamoro. “We were just messing with the President. With the Philippines growing at 7.1% who wants to leave?” said Murad Ebrahim, the MILF Chair. On hearing the news, the Bangsamoro Islamic Freedom Fighters called the Palace to inquire if they could now take a crack at it.
– “ Binay Pushes To Extend Presidential Term Limit”
VP Jojo Binay has petitioned lawmakers for a Constitutional Amendment to extend the President’s term beyond 2016. “ P-Noy is doing so well. Why fix something that is not broken?” he told media. Some pundits question the VP’s motives suggesting he is either getting antsy about assuming the Presidency in 2016 or lacks the necessary ambition. Binay currently has the highest trust rating among public officials so he may well get what he wants.
– “Senate Approves Bill Criminalizing Plagiarism”
By a vote of 22-1, the Senate passed a bill punishing plagiarism with imprisonment or a tongue-lashing from social media, whichever is worst. The lone dissenting Senator -who himself has been at the wrong end of plagiarism- explained his vote: “I understand imprisonment but tongue lashing, that is too much. Still, I worry about the sanctity of the written word.”
– “Supreme Court Decides Libel Is Really Not That Big A Deal”
The SC unanimously voted to remove the criminal provision on libel. Proponents of the Cybercrime Bill have appealed the case to the Vatican.
– “Aman Brain To Head LP Fund Raising”
The President appointed Manuel Amalilio, head of Aman Futures Group which is accused of scamming P 12 billion from investors, to spearhead the fund raising of the Liberal Party for 2013: “ If he could raise that kind of money on his own, what more with our backing? We could buy the elections honestly and still have change for 2016”. UNA, the opposition party, is now desperately seeking its own moneyman and has contacted Bernie Madoff for advice.
– “P-Noy Steps Up Effort to Find Life Partner”
After years of searching for a soul mate, the President is expanding his reach. He recently registered with eHarmony, the dating service, where he describes himself as “An influential but cuddly man with simple needs”. It is nice to know the President is finally taking matters out of his hands.