Here are headlines we would not mind seeing:
“MYANMAR MILITARY HELPS ELECT SUU KYI, COMPLAINS OF MASSIVE CHEATING”
With the support of the military, Myanmar Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi won 90% of the vote to become the country’s new President. However, military strongman Than Shwe complained of massive fraud: “ In the past all the candidates we endorsed won 100% of the vote. Madame Suu Kyi’s poor showing proves the U.S. and Western countries were heavily involved in vote buying. We intend to ask for a recount.”
“VATICAN LAUNCHES NEW MARKETING PLAN”
In a move designed to take market share from its rivals, the Holy See used the Pope’s traditional Easter message watched by billions worldwide to unveil its new marketing program.
“ With flagging membership, declining spirituality among the young, rogue priests, and the possibility of Mitt Romney, a Mormon, as U.S. President, we need to relaunch Catholicism as a brand,” the Pope told the crowd gathered at the Vatican Plaza. “ We do not want it to go the way of Blackberry or the PC.”
Among the new initiatives are:
– – A loyalty program for Church attendance. Dubbed Heavenly Miles (Tag line “Fly Now, Pray Later”), this entitles members to up-front pews on crowded Christmas and Easter masses and priority lineup for communion. Those attending confession or bringing a friend to mass earn bonus points with no blackout dates.
– – A priesthood recruitment drive where successful candidates get one day off a week from celibacy restrictions and the adoption of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” for those with uncertain sexual inclinations.
– – The promotion of RH programs in Muslim countries and China to blunt their growing numbers, allowing Catholics to catch up.
“BINAY DESPERATELY SEEKS TO ARREST POPULARITY”
VP Binay is concerned about his approval rating, consistently at around 84%. “With 4 years to go I am peaking too early. From here, there is no way to go but down,” he said anxiously. “ I need a plan.”
Among the measures he is considering to turn people off are:
– – To stop being such a good team player. Henceforth, Binay will refrain from supporting the President’s programs. “I know this will affect my friendship with Noy but what options do I have?”
– – To be caught philandering: “ It is a risky strategy. Erap tried it and it enhanced his popularity, so the outcome is not certain. My family will just have to understand it is not my first choice.”
– – To abandon his political machinery: “ I have asked the League of Mayors to stop supporting me. It is just overkill.”
Political pundits believe still more needs to be done to arrest the VP’s popularity.
“ CJ WONDERS WHY HE STILL HAS NOT BEEN ASKED TO RESIGN”
Four months into the Impeachment trial, Chief Justice Corona is increasingly worried whether he will ever be asked to resign: “ It does not make any sense. The trial is doing neither me, my family, the Administration, the Senate nor the nation any good. Why does someone not just pop me the question?”
Asked to comment, Presidential Spokesperson Lacierda said: “ The truth is we are not following the proceedings that closely. We are just busy not Noy-Noying. However the CJ, for once, has a point. We will take it up at the next National Security meeting.”
“ P-NOY SAYS HE WAS ONLY KIDDING”
President Aquino expressed surprise when told the impeachment trial of CJ Corona is now into its fourth month: “What? Are you serious? I was only horsing around when I mentioned the topic to House members. Congressmen really have no sense of humor. ”
When asked whether he would withdraw the impeachment, the President said: “ I am sorry the matter has gone this far but I would be questioned if I was to interfere at this point. I am sure the whole thing will just blow away.”