In this season of the Oscars, it is appropriate to recognize excellence in the impeachment trial. The awardees are:
Lifetime Achievement- This goes to Presiding Officer Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile for simply staying awake.
Best Director For Drama Or Comedy- The winner, again, is Sen. Enrile for running a tight ship and making the Prosecution and the Defense equally unhappy.
Best Actor- To Atty. Jose Roy III of the Defense for his distraught apology following his insinuation some Senators had been offered P100 MM to sell their vote. One almost felt he meant it, the apology and the insinuation.
Best Actress- To Sen. Miriam Santiago for her performances under (high blood) pressure.
Best Actor In A Supporting Role- To Sen. Drilon for persuading the SC clerk of court to release the CJ’s SALNs (which the Prosecution was unable to do). Drilon explained: “I just hated to see grown Congressmen cry.”
Best Actress In A Supporting Role- To Sen. Pia Cayetano for always being there for her brother Alan. Should their vote be counted as one?
Best Stylist– To Defense counsel Serafin Cuevas for doing the most of a difficult situation, follicly (as well as legally). The runner-up is the Prosecution’s Rep. Quimbo for the proper application of hair gel in what, however, could soon be a problem.
PS Bank President, Pascual Garcia, gets honorable mention.
Hottest New Artists- To the hunks and babe in the group namely the Prosecution’s Quimbo and Angara; and Defense spokesperson Karen Jimeno. ABS-CBN has just contracted them for its latest survival series entitled “Lost In The Law”.
Best Sound Effects-To Sen. Santiago’s larynx. Her voice can be heard even from home and possibly from The Hague where she goes as judge of the International Criminal Court.
Worst Sound Effects- To the Supreme Court for silencing the Impeachment Court with its TRO on the CJ’s dollar accounts.
Also nominated were the hearing aids of Enrile and Cuevas. The two struggle at times to keep up.
Best Song- In a tribute to Whitney Houston, the nominees are :
“Do You Hear What I Hear” – (Neil Tupas)
“It Ain’t, It Wasn’t, It Ain’t Never Going To Be” – (Serafin Cuevas)
“Something Bigger Than You And I” – (Jose Roy III)
“ Hold On, Help Is On The Way” – (The Supreme Court)
“Didn’t We Almost Have It All” – (GMA)
“I Have Nothing” – (CJ)
The winner will be announced in due course.
Best Special Effects- To Rep. Umali for magically (and illegally?) producing the CJ’s dollar accounts from some little lady.
Best Original Screenplay- To the Defense’s story on how the CJ ended up with all this money.
Best Adaptation From Reality or Fiction- To the Defense’s claim the Palace offered P100 MM to each Senator who votes against the TRO on the CJ’s dollar accounts. It would not reveal its source except to say it was not the little lady mentioned by Umali.
Best Costume Design- To the Judges’ robes. Fashioned from discarded curtains, the vestment is to lend solemnity to the occasion. Sen. Escudero, an otherwise trendy dresser, objected to the garment but was overruled. He may file for certiorari at the Supreme Court.
Best Picture- This goes to “Dead Man Walking”, the portrayal of a man who for all intents and purposes should be riding quietly into the sunset.
The Awards Committee also recognized achievement in special categories:
Acronym Most Abused And Least Understood- To Statement of Assets, Liabilities and Net Worth (SALN). When asked to define it, Government officials answered: “Come again?”
Most Overrated Constitutional Provision- To the requirement for public officials to disclose their SALNs. It appears a SALN may be prepared on the back of an envelope while watching American Idol, amended as required depending on who is asking, and kept in some clerk’s drawer together with her make-up kit and lunchbox. The only requirement is that it not be accurate, comprehensive, timely nor make any sense.
Most Well Read- To Rep. Farinas for actually reading the Impeachment Articles.
Best Marketing Pitch – To Megaworld for selling, in adverse economic conditions, a weather-damaged penthouse for P14.5MM, a 40% discount to the list price.
Worst Marketing Pitch- To the Prosecution for telling media the CJ had 45 properties, a claim it since had to eat.
Least Promising Material- To the Prosecution’s manifestations. These have been interminably objected to by the Defense for irrelevance, inconvenience, grammar or just for the heck of it; and questioned by the Presiding Officer for incompleteness and/or incoherence.
Most Promising Material- This goes to the CJ’s vow to disclose his dollar accounts in due course. The Presiding Officer hopes this will be within his lifetime.