To: The Presidential Communications Group
Attention: Lacierda, Carandang, Coloma
From: Your President
Subject: My Ratings
You may not have noticed but my numbers have, like, been dropping. From +64 in November, my net approval rating fell to +51 in March and recently again to +46.
My popularity is starting to approximate Gloria’s or, worse, Charlie Sheen’s. I do not want to go there.
In the meantime, with only one spokesperson and no visible effort, Binay’s polls just keep getting better.
You fellows need to shape up or ship out.
Alright, so I kinda did mess up on a couple of things like the Porsche, the Nobel Peace Prize and stuff like that but, on the other hand, the country’s economic numbers are great; so something is just not right.
It can’t be my hair. I compare favorably with Jojo in that department.
In retrospect my dating twenty-something women probably did not go down well. Like Sean Penn (52) with Scarlett Johanssen (26), you guys said it would make me look cool with the X or Y or Z generation (or whatever letter of the alphabet they are now on), the demographics we are courting. The problem was the girls kept dumping me.
The bottom line is we need, sorry, YOU need to do something about the funk I am in.
I realize you are trying but some of your ideas are, frankly, off the wall.
First, you suggested we leverage the anti-Gloria sentiment by going after the tax returns of her children. That’s fine but, hello, getting Kim Henares to hold a press conference to announce this while saying they are not being singled out makes us look silly. Just get on with it.
Then I read you are setting up a Good News section in our website. We do need to propagate our positive efforts but, guys, let us be subtle about it.
First, with a Good News section, people will expect us to carry a Bad News section. The latter could outweigh the former.
Second, at some point the public will get tired of us tooting our horn.
Actually, none of this matters. Nobody ever reads government websites.
What I really, really need is an OBL moment.
President Obama’s ratings went up 11 points following the Bin Laden operation.
I could use something like that.
The opportunity to have a SWAT team rescue the three imprisoned Filipinos in China was such a moment; but we were not thinking.
What about staging a hostage taking of Congressmen while they are in session? That would grab the headlines. We could then have the Special Forces lead a dramatic rescue. But then maybe not. The public may just want us to leave well enough alone.
I guess we could re-enact the Luneta fiasco but with a different outcome. I could lead the charge.
Or re-broadcast the Willing Willie episode with Rangers raiding the place just as Jan-Jan is to come on.
Or, in the dead of night, pluck the Ampatuans from their detention and bury them at sea.
You get my drift. We need something that will capture the imagination of the people and, more important, CNN.
On the other hand, we could just work hard at what we do, create jobs, care for the sick, educate the kids, protect the environment, and prosecute criminals.
That just might work.