Finally, Some Good News

The problem is the lack of good news.

This, says Malacanang, is the reason for the decline in the President’s ratings. The worthy efforts of the Administration are simply not being recognized.

Things are so bad the Palace is now resorting to predicting “good news” that even Cabinet heads know nothing about.

We set out some positive headlines that hopefully will help the Government along.

-P-NOY SELLS HIS PORSCHE
The Palace announced the President sold his prized possession to a Binondo businessman for P9 million for a neat profit of P4.5 million. Spokesperson Lacierda: “ The President did it not for the money but as an expression of self-sacrifice in the Lenten period. We request media to respect his privacy in this difficult time.”
In sympathy, the nation upped the President’s approval numbers by 4 percent.

– REVILLAME GIVES UP SHOW
In a surprise move, Willie Revillame has resigned from his controversial game show. Revillame did not disclose his reasons although rumor has it he and President Aquino had a man-to-man conversation.
In an unrelated development, Malacanang announced the appointment of Revillame as Secretary of the Dept.of Social Welfare: “This should allow Willie, as he has always wanted, to help the poor.” Following the news, the President’s rating went up 3 percent.
Meanwhile, TV5, owner of Willing Willie, revealed that Revillame would be replaced by Charlie Sheen, currently unemployed. The show would be renamed either Consenting Charlie or Slimy Sheen depending on the results of a market survey. Lindsay Lohan will take the part of co-host presently held by Shalani Soledad.

– CHURCH BACKS RH BILL
In an unexpected turn of events, the Catholic Church has decided to support the RH Bill currently in Congress. CBCP Nereo Odchimar: “After a long and frank discussion with the President, we decided to abort (!) our position for the greater good.”

It is unclear what the President said that was so convincing. However, an undisclosed source said the clincher was when Aquino agreed to adopt the rhythm method as his part of the bargain and to convince his sister Kris to do likewise.
The public was elated, bumping up the President’s ratings by 5 percent.

– OMBUDSMAN GUTIERREZ STEPS DOWN
In a tsunami of positive developments, Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez resigned from her post. In a private conversation described by insiders as emotional and heart wrenching, President Aquino persuaded Gutierrez on the merits of self-sacrifice. “ Given what he said, I can no longer hold the nation hostage,” the Ombudsman declared, clearly distraught.
It is uncertain whether Gutierrez’ resignation carried a promise although the President intimated that should DOJ Secretary De Lima’s post ever be vacated, he would consider Merci as a worthwhile replacement for the position.
There has been speculation of De Lima’s possible departure following her unfavorable assessments of DENR USec. Puno and LTO Chief Victoria Torres, both shooting partners of Aquino, on the Luneta hostage-taking and Stradcom controversies.
Asked to comment, Rep. Gloria Arroyo said both Merci and the President would eventually have to meet their Maker.
Following these developments, the nation lifted P-Noy’s ratings by 6 percent.

-AMPATUANS PLEAD GUILTY
The Office of the Vice-President announced the Ampatuan clan has pleaded guilty to the Maguindanao massacre. In a plea bargain brokered by VP Binay, the Ampatuans would be given a stay of execution in exchange for their serving 10 years of community service cleaning up the Fukushima nuclear reactors.
The Japanese Government thanked President Aquino for the offer citing how difficult it has been to secure volunteers for this highly hazardous task.
Zaldy Ampatuan said he was looking forward to leaving Manila for a pollution free environment.
The country liked this win-win-win solution raising its ratings of the President and his VP.

-PRESIDENT ENDS HUNGER AS A WAY OF LIFE
President Aquino was surprised to be told that hunger is more pervasive among Filipinos now than at the start of his term. As a result, he announced that hunger would officially end starting July 1, 2011, the first anniversary of his Administration. “ Nobody told me that people are going without three meals a day. I ordered my economic team to ensure this does not recur. Hunger is so over.”
Critics accused the President of acting without Congressional or Supreme Court approval.
Undeterred, Aquino declared he would take his case directly to the people. The nation was visibly impressed and raised its assessment of the President’s performance by 20 percent.

All told, the presidential announcements have doubled Aquino’s approval rating to 105% where it currently stands.

(Note: Between the writing of this piece and its upload, Gutierrez actually resigned. Merci, how did you know the blog was coming?)

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About Leo Alejandrino

The blog is principally a commentary on Philippine politics and economics.
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