One cannot but feel sorry for him.
In a rare display of emotion, a visibly depressed President Aquino told media he was joining the Samahan ng Malalamig ang Pasko (The Cold Christmas Club). This is the association of singles who will remain dateless this season of cheer.
The President accused media of frightening women who otherwise might be keen on him. “Even if someone is interested enough to want to be introduced to me, you put her name in the headlines right away”, he lamented to the press (even though getting in the headlines is arguably the main reason to date the President).
P-Noy’s critics have countered that, once again, he is faulting others for his failings. Politically, he continues 6 months into his term to blame GMA for the problems of this country. Emotionally, he now accuses media for his travails.
Oppositionist Rep. Lagman smirked:” The man is an aesthetically challenged, chain-smoking 50 year old who complains he is unattractive to females young enough to be his daughters. And he blames the media? Give me a break.”
The Presidential Communications Group, as it is Constitutionally required, immediately came to the rescue of its leader: “ The President was dating pretty young women even before he assumed high office. His record will match anyone’s, John Lloyd’s included. This proves he has the wherewithal to be attractive to the opposite sex notwithstanding his age, health habits and hair.”
The Malacanang Communications Etc. Group is reportedly being blamed for the President’s increasingly lonely nights. Ricky Carandang, the one third head of this office, intimated as much when he recently announced changes are in the offing: “Many things that we have done over the last several months have not gotten the emphasis we feel they deserve.” Their messages, he added, need a “little more flair”.
Under its new thrust the Group will expound less on the country’s success in alleviating poverty, attracting foreign investment and fighting corruption; and extoll instead the President’s personal virtues such as his new found fashion sense, his prowess with video games and his sense of humor, the qualities that 20-something females look for in a man. “The President has a 79% approval rating so there is no need to sell his policies. What he needs is to dial up his image as the go-to-guy for young females,” Ricky said.
The results of the new media strategy are starting to be felt. Presidential photo opps and stories are now more evident in newspapers’ Entertainment section than in Politics or Business. There is a ban on pictures of the President conducting Cabinet meetings. Where needed to display a semblance of governance, images of the working president are now buried deep, after the Classifieds.
Other media projects in the pipeline include:
1. P-Noy to guest in Willing Willie- Other than giving the President primetime exposure to display his youthful energy and gameness, the event will prove that politically and emotionally P-Noy is non-partisan and non-vindictive.
2. P-Noy to be Willie’s best man at the latter’s soon to be announced wedding to Shalani.
3. P-Noy to walk the ramp in JC Buendia’s forthcoming fashion show; together with Piolo Pascual and Robin Padilla. The association with young hunks will hopefully rub off on him.
4. The President to be the signature endorser for Vicky Belo. This will address P-Noy’s ageing challenge while putting him in contact with attractive female post-adolescents. Critics said this is akin to setting an old fox among young chickens; but nobody is listening such is the President’s approval rating.
At the Inquirer’s 25th Anniversary, the President decried the state of the country’s news, asking media to raise the level of public discourse to distinguish important issues from “vulgar personalities and trivial issues” (Note: Reporters’ next 15 questions focused on why Liz Uy dumped him).
When grilled whether the Palace’s new media strategy runs counter to the President’s pronouncement, Sec. Carandang retorted, somewhat annoyed: ”The seat of power is a lonely place. To compound matters, power is an aphrodisiac. An overactive libido with nowhere to go can be a dangerous thing. The President is having difficulty focusing on the affairs of state. ”
“Introducing young women to leaders is an accepted practice from Attila the Hun to John Kennedy. When the nation’s vital interest is at stake, no effort should be spared”.
So there we are.
In the interest of nationhood, parents of 20-something daughters, please present your offspring.