News That Should Have Been

(The following are headlines that we would not be unhappy with.)

“OBAMA ASKS PACQUIAO TO RUN FOR U.S. CONGRESS IN 2012”

Following the drubbing that Democrats took in the recent mid-term elections, President Obama begged Manny Pacquiao to run for Congress and help his re-election campaign in 2012. Obama was particularly impressed with what Pacquiao did for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in Nevada.  Pacquiao endorsed Reid, enabling him to win a hotly contested fight against Tea Party candidate Sharron Angle.

“I risk losing the Hispanic vote because of Manny’s record against Mexican and Puerto Rican opponents but that is OK. He put Reid over the top in what would have been an embarrassing defeat for Democrats, ” said Obama. “ This allows us to maintain our majority in the Senate, not a trifling matter.”

For his part Manny said, more or less: “ I do not mean to be mayabang but, honestly, when I look at my local peers I am punching above my weight class in Congress. I think I can be politically competitive in the States.”

If he wins a U.S. Congressional seat, Pacquiao will be the first person ever to be a world champion in 7 weight classes and a Congressman in two countries.

“CONGRESSMEN TO RESIGN EN MASSE OVER RH BILL”

In a show of force designed to curry favor with the Church, all Congressmen voted to go on leave upto 2013 to protest the RH bill.

President Aquino readily accepted the offer with seeming regret: “ Now they can all go watch Manny in Texas. To ease their pain, I have instructed OMB Secretary Abad to continue to pay their salaries. If we can do that for Sec. Lacson we can certainly do that for our House Representatives. The same offer stands for our Senators. “

The Congress building will be converted to a mall and occasionally to a coliseum to house Manny Pacquiao’s fights. The rent will offset the salary bills of Congressmen.
“We will save on Pork Barrel and Congressional overhead and erase corruption and influence peddling. This alone will cover our budget deficit,” said Abad.

“TO APPEASE THE CHURCH P-NOY OFFERS TO ADOPT NATURAL METHOD”

To assuage the Church over his decision to pursue the RH bill, President Aquino offered to adopt the natural method. “ This is no small sacrifice but is worth it to  appease the Vatican. My partners will just have to understand although I suspect some of them will not be unhappy. My sisters are obviously concerned,” said P-Noy through, simultaneously, Presidential spokespersons Lacierda, Carandang, Colona and Mislang.

The Holy See indicated that it wants the assurance in writing since the record of the Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning Office (did I miss a designation?) on communiqués has been spotty.

“PALACE ISSUES GUIDELINES ON MISCOMMUNICATION”

Following the recent flap over Asst. Secretary Mai Mislang’s adolescent and girlish Twitter comments on P-Noy’s Vietnam trip, which themselves followed other misstatements from DILG USec. Rico Puno and Spokesperson Lacierda, among others; Malacanang issued the following guidelines on such matters:

1. All diplomatically offensive statements, however childish, will be allowed as long as they have been cleared with the PCDSPO  and they have been issued via one of the Palace approved social media sites Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube.
2. If anybody complains, particularly the Chinese but not necessarily the Vietnamese, Malacanang will at first defend the party involved. If this is unsatisfactory, the party will apologize and, if still insufficient, will be reprimanded.
3. If none of the foregoing will placate the offended parties and/or the Filipino people, the culprit will have the ultimate punishment applied: his/her Twitter and Facebook accounts will be closed and his/her cell phone confiscated until everybody forgets the incident.
4. Under no circumstances will the accused be asked to resign or dragged along the streets of the capital as redemption.

The guidelines are the result of an exhaustive study by Sec. Ricky Carandang. For no particular reason Deputy Spokesperson Abigail Valte, clearly a fan of Carandang, added: “I do not know of other Government officials who are undertaking the same.”

In the same unrelated vein, there are reports that Mislang, a not unattractive 29 year old who likes to party, got away with her gaffes because of her hots for good-looking men which, and to each his taste, may be said to include Noy and Ricky.

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About Leo Alejandrino

The blog is principally a commentary on Philippine politics and economics.
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