Cabinet Reshuffle

(The following has not happened but could if the President gets desperate.)

Malacanang announced a Cabinet reshuffle to prevent a further slide in the President’s approval ratings.

Here are the new appointments together with the President’s comments:

Jojo Binay, DILG Sec.- “ Jojo has wanted this position ever since but I refrained upon the say of my advisors. They felt Jojo would throw me under the bus at the slightest chance. However, after Luneta when my Administration was thrown under the tourist bus by these same advisors, I concluded that competence, however suspect, is better than incompetence. Jun-Jun Binay who is currently courting Kris has also reassured me that his Dad would never do anything untoward for as long as Kris and he remain friends.”

Bong Pineda, Head PCSO- “I am taking a chance on Bong with everything that is said about him. Bong brings a wealth of experience in matters of gambling. If he can do for the Small Town Lottery what he has done for jueteng, the latter will be eradicated forever. I realize that Bong is a friend of GMA but I just have to put nationhood before politics.”

Rep. Gloria Arroyo, Ombudsman- “ After the PSG threatened to take away her children, Merceditas Gutierrez has kindly resigned from her office. With some persuasion, Rep. Arroyo accepted to become the Ombudsman at no small sacrifice. She promised to expedite all investigations against her and officials connected to her Government which is what I promised at the SONA. I cannot think of any person who can say that and deliver.”

Merceditas Gutierrez, DOJ Secretary- “ Merceditas and I have become quite close ever since she resigned as Ombudsman. I did not realize what a terrific sense of humor she has. I apologized to her about the PSG thing and it’s now all good. Merceditas is taking over from Leila De Lima who has been annoyed with me ever since I countermanded the recommendations of the IIRC. Merceditas’ first job is to investigate GMA and her officials for possible corruption.”

The Papal Nuncio, Presidential Adviser For The Peace Process- “ After denying rumors that Teresita Deles is on her way out, I confirm that she is. It’s all the fault of my Communications Group who still have to get their act together. The  Nuncio brings a spiritual dimension to the negotiations with our Muslim brothers which was severely lacking. It is also my way of appeasing the Holy Father who has been somewhat displeased over my stand on the RH bill and my not following the natural method.”

Nereo Odchimar, Secretary #4, Presidential Communications Group- “ Nereo threatened to excommunicate me. He subsequently retracted saying it was a miscommunication. I was impressed by his handling of the matter. As a result I have pirated Nereo from the Church with a promise of higher pay and family benefits. He fits in nicely with our miscommunications strategy and should turn around my approval ratings in short shrift.”

Renato Corona, Presidential Legal Counsel: “ Renato and I have had our differences over his midnight appointment as Chief Justice but these have been settled. I told him the PLC is the most powerful judicial body tasked as it is with reviewing all official reports and Supreme Court decisions. All my Executive Orders have wound up in the Supreme Court. By taking Renato on board we can now shortcut that process since all EOs will now start and end with him.”

Zaldy Ampatuan, Head, Political Liaison with Congress:” The relationship between the Executive and Legislative branches of Government is the cornerstone of a strong democracy. Zaldy has a killer instinct on how to persuade people to come around, something I need to fulfill my legislative agenda. I have given Zaldy full authority in dealing with Congressmen including shoot-to-kill orders if necessary.”

Butch Abad III, any position in the Cabinet- “ Butch’s youngest son is a recent summa cum laude high school graduate. With his DNA I am happy to offer him any position in high office. The BSP Governorship comes up in 2011. This could be a starting point for Abad III to ease into Government.”

Rico Puno, Ambassador to Vanuatu- ” Rico had to be dragged kicking and screaming from the DILG which was no small feat given his girth. He calmed down after being offered the post to Vanuatu which he believes is in Europe, bordering France. Nobody is talking.”

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About Leo Alejandrino

The blog is principally a commentary on Philippine politics and economics.
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